Nationality

It has been about one and a half years since I left the country I have lived in for my whole life to go back to the country of my birth. I thought it would be fun and interesting and, in a sense, it is. But there are a few things I grow tired of. One of them is this question: "Do you feel more Estonian or Kenyan?" This abominable and annoying question is one that my new countrymen feel important to ask no matter where I go, be it school, family or even among strangers. I found the best answer to the question a few weeks ago. and it goes like this: Let's shine two light sources at the same spot on a white wall. One source gives out red light and the other gives out blue. Now, look at the wall and tell me: is the colour of the spot red or blue. Is it more red than blue?

Growing up in Kenya, nobody ever was interested in my nationality. and why should they? Kenya has so many tribes, nationalities, families and countless other social divisions, that there's no point of trying to find it out. In any case, knowing about it didn't make much of a difference. It's not like knowing someone's nationality changes the person. In fact the thing that's going to change with that information is the asker's perception and paradigm of the person. All those who people in Kenya, who asked me where I was from, didn't ask me wbout my sense of identity. It wasn't important. They wanted to know what the place was like and how fun it is to be in. After all, that's all they saw as important (I agree with that perspective). Being more Kenyan or Estonian never crossed their mind. I was Andreas and I was the way I was. Full-stop.

Estonia is, needless to say, different. People here have this weird need to find the sources of everything. The fact that I'm part Kenyan is very important to them and I fail to see the reason why. I see us all as people and I really don't like the fact that they don't. I don't study social psychology or sociology (that would by my mother and a few other friends) but I have come up with my own understanding of why this is so: Estonia is a small country, in very many ways. Not only does it have a small area, but the population of the entire nation is less than the population of Nairobi (the capital of Kenya, for you ignorant readers), something close to 1,2 million. This country actially has a real possibility of going extinct. Their history is also full of all sorts of invasions and other unpleasant things and that has left in them a sense of identity that I don't understand. They want to keep their culture pure and maintain their family ties. And so they look at outsiders differently. They are either potential threats (they can be in terms of physical attacks, or even threats in that they dilute the culture) or they are interesting spices to add to the already conc brew. In my case, I'd be an interesting spice, but only if I feel more Estonian in nature. If not, I'd be more likely to dilute the culture. I'm rambling, probably... Don't take me too seriously, eh?

Now, here's where I'd probably say I'm more Kenyan, but I should perhaps point out that I just spent an entire morning listening to Eric Wainaina (one of Kenya's best musicians, for the ignorant people) and, frankly, there's nobody who can listen to Wainaina and NOT feel a little more patriotic to the country under the equator. In any case, it helped me realise what I don't like about Estonia and what I love about Kenya: in Kenya, I can do whatever I feel like doing, so long as I have the necessary resources and I don't inconvenience a fellow Kenyan, without worrying about people judging me. I grow tired of having to watch my every move (especially the movements of my tongue and my fingers on the keyboard) because someone is going to get insulted (that seems to happen a lot). I, for one ave grown weary of people chosing their words carefully around me, because they think I'll get insulted and angry.

This long post has tired me, so I'll end with this: I like politically and socially correct Estonia, but miss carefree Kenya.